Do not forget that the things which bother you the most are actually prejudices, the stupid prejudices of human society against those who consciously reject their false environment.
I probably did go a little far toward the end, but by that point I was no longer entirely myself,
I was off-balance, and anyhow the whole world was toppling around me.
"I would dream I was being smothered beneath a heap of stones.
With my memories it’s been more or less the same."
The Kindly Ones
"My colleagues consider me a calm, collected, thoughtful man. Calm, certainly; but often during the day my head begins to rage, with the dull roar of a crematorium.
I talk, I hold conversations, I make decisions, just like everyone else; but standing at a bar with my glass of Cognac, I imagine a man coming in with a shotgun and opening fire; at the movies or at the theater, I picture a live grenade rolling under the seats; in a town square on a public holiday I see a car packed with explosions blowing up, the afternoon festivities turned into carnage, blood filling the cracks between the cobblestones, gobbets of flesh splattered on the walls or smashing through the windows to land in the Sunday soup, I hear cries, the groans of people with their limbs torn off like the legs of an insect plucked by a curious little boy, the bewilderment of the survivors, a strange, earsplitting silence, the beginning of a long fear.
Calm? Yes, I remain calm, whatever happens, I don’t let anything show, I stay quiet, impassive, like the empty windows of burned-out cities, like the faces of the drowned just beneath the surface of the water, never to be found.
I couldn’t break this terrifying calm even if I wanted to.
I’m not the sort of man who loses his nerve at the drop of a hat, I know how to behave.
But it weighs on me too."
— Jonathan Littell - The Kindly Ones
But this is a rare thing.