Cause what’s left to lose?
I’ve done enough.
And if I fail well then I fail, but I gave it a shot.
And these last three years, I know they’ve been hard.
But now it’s time to get out of the desert and into the sun,
even if it’s alone."
The Format (On Your Porch)
(I’ve been repeating this in my head these last few days. Because I have done enough, and I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for wanting to leave, and I resent my family trying to make me feel guilty.)
there is little that I love more than sunshine and sky.
My family, of course, has it’s own place in my heart that nothing and no one have ever come close to.
But I will not stay here with my family as long as I am able to follow the call of the bright blue sky.
My veins are roads and railways on the map of my skin,
a suitcase heart thumps in my chest.
It is filled with the Arizona skyline and still frames of the people whose names will forever be etched on the back of my eyelids.
Lists I run through at night before sleep, a prayer that I will never forget and never give up on.
My suitcase heart will carry me far,
and I will carry you far.
When I sleep at home in my own bed it always feels the same. It’s comfortable and familiar. But as soon as my eyes close and I begin to dream the alarm clock goes off and I wake to find hours have passed in seconds and I am still as exhausted as I was before lying down.
It has always been this way, I never had anything else to compare it to. Every night without fail I would wake, eyes still tired, body sore, unrested and unwell. And find my night passed by in no time at all. I had grown used to it and could live with the feeling. Living nights with no sleep and no rest.
Until I shared my night with you. A full nights sleep in the same room, same bed. And it stretched on for years. I’ve never slept so well beside someone before.
“I believe that low-altitude perspectives serve us, giving us intimate reminders of our relationship to the land”
and our past histories on it’s planes.
I feel closer to the sky the longer I’m on land. And closer to the sea while on shore. Every time my feet leave the ground I feel I am airborne for years and the landing is always hard to handle.
I come from the land but I was born for the sky and sea.
I do not crave solidity, I wants moments like waves that are as free as the clouds. Constant movement.
But as a human being I am forever tied to the ground, always ending up back on shore.
This is where I live but not what I love.
But by living here I love more than I could if I had lived where I loved.
The sky is my love because I cannot contain it. I can not stay with it always. And the sea is forever leaving me on the shore.
It is a fleeting feeling, only getting so high before spiraling downwards. Rare and lovely and never tiring of the feel of the wind in my toes and in my sails.
If I had lived in the sky, no doubt, I would love the land more fiercely.
But as it is, I am envious of the birds,
while they sing their love songs to the ground.